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Positive vs. Negative vs. Sheriff

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I often talk about the “positive symptoms” of schizophrenia on this blog, even if you don’t yet know what that term means.  The Positive symptoms of schizophrenia include hallucinations, paranoia, and delusions.  Symptoms I have experienced since I was 17 years old.  These symptoms are called “positive” not because they are good but because they are an addition to the thoughts/experiences of  the neurotypical.

“Negative symptoms” are symptoms such as the inability to display emotion through facial expressions or body language (flat affect), difficulty or inability to initiate goal directed behavior (avolition), lack of motivation, lack of interest in activities that used to be of interest, and more.  These are called “negative” symptoms not because they are bad but because they are behaviors that are missing from the behaviors that the neurotypical display.

I give you this information because I was inspired by my team leader to recall times when I did have a lot of negative symptoms, and, additionally, how my recovery has made such symptoms nearly disappear.

In 2009, the year I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, I was a wreck. I struggled to stay within the realms of reality.  I struggled with those negative symptoms to a point that really does not deserve to be called living.

I had a fiance at the time.  My world revolved around his.  When he woke up around 6am to get ready for work, I got into bed and slept until he came home around 2:30pm.  Once he was home, he would take a nap with me if I didn’t feel like getting out of bed yet.  When we both got hungry, he would make food or he would try to get me motivated enough to go out to eat.  We would spend the evening watching movies, television, or playing video games.  Once he went to bed, around 10pm, I would stay on the internet all night or play Solitaire for hours…all to keep me awake so that I would be able to sleep in the morning.

When we had classes, it was a struggle to get myself motivated enough to even attend classes.  We generally dropped most of our classes due to non-attendance.  I didn’t see the point in going to classes.  I didn’t see the point in learning.  I didn’t see the point in leaving the apartment.

This lack of interest was a stark contrast to me even a year earlier.

I loved to learn.  I found classes to be challenging and exciting.  I loved the classes that focused on class discussions because I enjoyed listening to the opinions of my peers, as well as sharing my opinion.  The semester before my diagnosis, I took a class called Mammology.  It focused on mammals but especially those that could be found in my region.  As part of the class, we would go to various rural places at night and set up nets that could be used to catch bats.  While we waited for bats to be caught, the class of about 14 people and the professor would hang out with flashlights and talk about all sorts of topics involving mammals.  Once we caught bats, we would carefully study them and try to identify them by their scientific name as we had learned in class lectures and labs.  Furthermore, we spent an entire weekend camped in the Ozarks, catching bats, rodents, flying squirrels, and prairie dogs.  I slept in a tent when the temperature was in the lower 40s.  I sat around a bonfire with my classmates and professor, listening to the stories the professor had about his adventures in nature…which often proved hilarious.

Just one semester later, and I could no longer imagine myself with such passion about anything.

I don’t struggle with the negative symptoms really anymore.  Sometimes, when I am headed towards psychosis, I get a flat affect and lose some motivation…but nothing to the degree of the symptoms I experienced in 2009.

Why not?  I attribute my lack of negative symptoms to two factors.  I began using Sheriff as a service dog in the Fall of 2009, and my fiance broke up with me in February 2010.  These two major events put me at a threshold.

To have Sheriff as a service dog meant that I had to be motivated enough to actually use him.  This returned to me a purpose in life.  I couldn’t waste all his training so he had to go to class with me.  He had to go shopping with me.  I had to change my sleeping patterns so that I could take him potty in the morning, and then throughout the day.  I had to feed him.  I had to play with him.  I had to start becoming a team with him…not just owner and dog.  I had to develop a deeper bond with him, and I had to trust his training.  These things could not happen if all I did was play Solitaire all night and sleep all day.  I had to be motivated and interested in Sheriff, otherwise it would have been pointless to put so much effort, time, and money into his training.

When my fiance broke up with me in 2010, I could no longer be dependent on him.  Sheriff and I moved back home.  Suddenly, sleeping all day and waiting for my fiance to come home didn’t make sense.  I didn’t have someone there to pull me out of bed if I didn’t feel like going to class.  I couldn’t spend my evenings cuddling on the couch and relying on my fiance for entertainment.  I had to develop my own independent life that focused on my interests and needs.  Otherwise, I was on the verge of falling into a deep, suicidal depression.  In fact, this is what my family and close friends feared, that I would not find the will to live without my fiance.  But if you ask my therapist, she’ll tell you that the day I arrived in her office and stated that I was now single was the day that she saw me ready to start a new, healthier life.

That healthier life did start.  I learned how to separate myself from the negative symptoms as I discovered new passions and interests.  Slowly, I regained my interest in classes and really started to enjoy them.  Learning about psychology was perfect and Sheriff was by my side making sure I felt safe and focused in class.  I began to pursue and renew friendships that had been dropped in 2009.  I found activities that I was interested in such as making soap, painting, and photography.  And then, I found a passion that has been driving me forwards ever since I discovered it.

I discovered that I wanted to help others with severe mental illness and also those who use psychiatric service dogs..  I wanted to be a voice that brought hope to the mentally ill, their caregivers, and society.  This blog is an essential part of that drive.  Here, I hope to lead by example.  I try to show that a person with schizophrenia can lead a productive life that does not match the current stigma against the severely mentally ill.  This is especially important now as the leaders of our country try to find a link between violence and mental illness.  That link cannot be found in this blog.  I also attempt to show how a service dog can be such a pillar of support to those who are disabled by their mental illness.  I honestly don’t believe that I could have come so far in my recovery without Sheriff.  He banishes the negative symptoms by assisting me with my purpose in life.  No longer can I spend all day in bed.  No longer can I ignore my interests and passion.  Sheriff taught me how to fight against the negative symptoms and move forwards in my recovery.


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